What the heart wants
by Charmingly-Evil
Summary: Josie watched him walk by her, her lips parting, desperately wanting to stop him.But she had to let him go…because Josie Mardle knew that if she said another word, if she tried to stop him before he left that door or dared to hesitate, than she'd never have it in her heart to push him away again. But despite her attempts, it seemed like they would never stop meeting Josie x Florian
1. Regret

_So I have recently boarded this fandom, and after seeing the finale i had to write a little something with these two. Especially when there are disappointingly and heartbreakingly so little fics with these two! Anyway first dumardle fic, so please review and tell me what you think, and i may make it into a long series. Depending on how it goes. Enjoy! :) _

**Summary: ** Josie had never stopped him that night but let the man she loved leave. Yet it seems that they are destined to keep on meeting; and with buried feelings and aching hearts, can they reconcile their love again? Josie x Florian

Disclaimer: I do not own Mr. Selfridge

**~ Regret ~**

* * *

"_Where are you going?" _

_The question fell from her lips softly, her eyes falling on the suitcase clutched in his fingers before they met his eyes. _

"_That is not your concern. I-I cannot stay here any longer". _

_Josie lowered her eyes, the truth slowly sinking in. She had chased him away. "If I ask you to say," she began softly, her eyes meeting his. "Will you stay?" _

_Florian blinked, surprise briefly stunning his eyes. "Ask me?" _

_And it took all the strength he had not to let his voice shake. To break. To not hold onto those very words and dare believe them to be true. After all how could they be, when she had made her intentions and the nature of their relationship clear? _

"_I have been fighting my feelings for you for all the wrong reasons. For other people's reasons," she responded softly, her head tilting to the side. "I don't want you to go," her eyes searched his, her smile faltering slightly. "Please stay. Please". _

_He didn't even realise his fingers slowly releasing the suitcase as he walked towards her, as if in a trance, his eyes lost in hers. Their lips soon crashed together, her arms entangled around his neck as his hands went to her waist. He let himself lose himself to the sensations that attacked his senses; her smell…lavender with a hint of rose water…her hair… sweet as the summer apples from his home and soft like satin when he weaved his fingers through her curls. _

"_Florian," she whispered into his lips, briefly breaking the kiss. "Please don't ever leave". _

_He met her eyes, his lips curling into a smile. "Never Josie." His lips brushed against hers with his final whisper. "Never". _

His eyes flung open. He saw darkness, as if in an enclosure of black walls, except for the few rays of silvery moonlight that slipped through the gaps of his curtains and slithered up his blankets. The dream still lingered in his mind.

Florian closed his eyes, regret wrapping around his heart. It was his third night staying in this room in the manor with the rest of the orchestra members in Manchester, having recently been accepted into their little family. They treated him like family and although the former refugee was grateful for their hospitality and kindness, his heart still ached for the woman who he had fallen in love with all those weeks ago.

"_I don't want you to go. Please stay. Please". _

The words continued to circle his mind, almost bringing him a sense of peace.

Josie. If he closed his eyes hard enough he could still recall her smile, the way they lit up her eyes and his heart alive. How he yearned to see it one more time. And although it was just a dream, Florian couldn't help but shut his eyes, willing to replay it again and again, willing to re-live in it for just one more night.

They say the dream reflects the heart's deepest desires…the subconsciouses buried yearnings. Never had those words been truer. How many times had he wondered what would have happened if she had stopped him? If she had asked him to stay, revealed what he knew had been trapped in her heart for so long. That she still held feelings for him.

Florian repressed a small sigh, her smile slowly fading from his mind as he brought himself back to reality. But she had let him go. She had remained firm with her decision, and he had to respect hers. He would let her be. But only in his deepest slumber could he relive their precious moments again, and relive what should have happened and what could have been.

He closed his eyes once more.

"_I don't want you to go. Please stay…please". _

_The words escaped her lips, as if they had been trapped in her throat the entire time, yearning to be freed from its strangled confines. _

_His chocolate brown eyes fell on hers, making her heart melt like a dying candle. How he managed to have this effect on her she'd never know. She didn't give it another thought though, without waiting for him to arrive she raced over, surrendering herself to his arms as he captured her lips in a passionate kiss. _

_It was slow and sensual at first as it had always been, then as she felt his hands wrap around her waist she slowly deepened the kiss. Her eyes fluttered close as she succumbed to the sensations that slowly consumed her. Her heart galloped against his chest as his lips tore through hers, sending waves of shivers up her spine. _

"_Florian," she finally whispered when they broke apart for air, breathless. Her eyes searched his, her hand tracing the side of his face lovingly. "Please don't ever leave". _

"_Never Josie." Her heart soared at his words, his accent almost heavenly in her ears. "Never". _

Josie's eyes flung open, her hand resting on the counter as the memories came flooding back like a tumbling wave, crashing against the shore. These moments were becoming more frequent these past few weeks ever since Florian left. She'd be casually rearranging a set of pearls on the mantelpiece or retrieving the new supplies when she'd catch a gentleman's smile from the corner of her eye, never quite as stunning as his but still so similar, or an inch of oak wood, the same wood that made his violin; and the memories would come flooding back. The dreaded day he left her.

Yet these days it was different. Instead she found her mind straying towards her nightly dreams of what could have been. It was almost like fate wanted to tease her for the mistakes she wished she hadn't made.

_No…no…_She whispered the words sternly to herself. She didn't mean that. He had followed her decisions and moved on. She was too old for him. She could never give him what he truly wanted. Josie closed her eyes, the pain clutching onto her heart and shattering it like ice. She had made the hardest decision of her life, but the right one. She had let him go. But when would the pain end?

She felt the tears bite behind her eyes, threatening to spill. The head of accessories took a steady breath, resting both hands on the counter. She had to get a hold of herself.

"Miss Mardle?"

Josie startled, raising her head.

Kitty Hawkien's gave her a peculiar look. "Are you alright?"

Miss Mardle cleared her throat, her lips stretching into a forced smile. "Yes, I'm quite alright, thank you Miss Hawkiens. I'm afraid I just have a bit of a headache, but I'll be fine".

The young girl nodded, before resuming back to her post, her lips pursing with disappointment at the lack of gossip.

Miss Mardle bobbed down to rummage through the mountain of boxed jewels within the boxed cart. It was only when she was certain that no one was watching her did she let the tears fall, rolling down her cheeks and onto her dress as she silently sobbed.

And when she closed her eyes she saw him once more. Slowly she lost herself to her reoccurring dreams.

"_Where are you going?" _

"_That is not your concern. I-I cannot stay here any longer". _

_Josie nodded silently, her heart shattering. His words stung. She met his eyes, cold as ice and burning deep into her. _

"_Did you respond to their offer then?" _

_He gave her a curt nod, averting his eyes from hers as he went to retrieve his papers from his jack. "Yes, I auditioned this morning and was accepted. I leave for Manchester tonight". _

"_Well…well then that's wonderful news isn't it?" Josie felt her words falter, her voice shattering in her throat. She took a steady breath and forced back the small smile, trying again. "Did you want me to call a taxi?" _

"_I already have one," he replied curtly. "It is waiting outside for me so I will say my goodbyes now. Thank you for your hospitality". _

_Josie watched him walk by her, her lips parting, desperately wanting to stop him but the words were frozen on her tongue. Isn't this what she had wanted all along? She had to let him go…because Josie Mardle knew that if she said another word, if she tried to stop him before he left that door or dared to hesitate, than she'd never have it in her heart to push him away again. No…she had to let him go. _

_So she stood there almost helplessly, watching him open the door. He stopped, hesitating. Turning around he met her eyes once more, his penetrating gaze freezing her to the core. _

"_We could have been happy," his eyes softened slightly. "We could have made each other happy. Now…" _

_He didn't finish his words. Turning around he stepped outside and into the streets of London, slipping inside his taxi. _

_Josie watched him leave with batted breath. And it wasn't until the yellow car had faded from her view did she close the door and fall back against the wall, surrendering to her tears. They tracked down her cheeks and fell down in splashes. _

"_I'm sorry," she whispered. _

_God she had to get a hold of herself. He was gone and she had to just get used to it. Steadying her breath she stood up, straightening down the ends of her dress. Agnes would be back soon and she couldn't let the young girl see her in this state. _

_She had made the right decision, she was certain of it. He would reach Manchester and begin his new career in the orchestra. He would have a proper start in this new life, and perhaps one day a family…something she could never give him. Josie took in a sharp breath at the painful truth. Yes…she had done the right thing. _

_But if she had made the right decision then why did it hurt so much? Her heart ached with a burning pain like no other she had felt before. Heartbreak and regret: slowly eating away at her heart. And Josie wondered if it would ever end._

* * *

_I admit it was a little heartbreaking to write this, but I have high hopes for their happiness in future chapters. So I do have ideas as to what I'm gonna do with this and the coming chapters, but I'll see how well this first chapter went. Please do review, they are my fuel for writing and I am so nervous to know how it went. Thanks for reading! :) _


	2. Dissonance

_Good news! I finished uni for this semester, so hopefully will have more time to get more writing done in these next 4 weeks of holidays. Again, this chapter is quite heartbreaking, though I tried to add in some fluffy moments for you all. And turned out to be quite longer than expected. Also as you can see i changed the title and summary, cause i hated the original ones. Anyway, enjoy!_

**Disclaimer**: I do not own the Television series Mr. Selfridge. All rights and characters belong to the writers. Written for entertainment purposes only.

**Dissonance**

...

_**Dissonance~ **__"A lack of harmony or discord between things, specifically between our heart and mind. A fierce battle between our needs and desires, love and our best interests', our heart and our mind, with our mind often dominating over all that our heart's desire"..._

_..._

The candles danced in the darkness, splashing light across the cream coloured walls and reflecting her shimmering shadow. The sound of gushing water resonated throughout the air as she sat on the edge of the bathtub, a glass of wine in one hand and her other in the bath, her finger casually swirling targets across the surface of the water.

She usually reserved her wine for special occasions such as when she had guests over, but after a busy night after work she thought that she deserved to break her glass cabinet just this once whilst she submerged herself in the steaming water. Besides, she needed some time to her thoughts.

It had been three weeks. Three long weeks since Florian had left, and Josie Mardle was sure that these were the longest weeks of her life. When she had said goodbye to him that night, she was not prepared for the pain that would follow, nor how long it would endure. She was certain that the pain would leave after a few days, perhaps a week, but it only seemed to grow with every passing day without him.

The Gentlewoman closed her eyes, taking in a steady breath. She saw his face, the memory of his smile filling her heart with fire. _She had to stop thinking about him. She had to move on. _

Her eyes drifted over to the small pile of letters sitting on her mirror table, silently begging her to read them. Although Miss Mardle was determined to move on from her former lover as it were and resume her life without him, it seemed that he refused to acknowledge her decision. She had been receiving at least two letters from him every week and, besides taking them to her bedroom, hadn't touched them since.

It was ludicrous. It wasn't like she expected him to still be in love with her after how she had chased him away, and judging by the cold manner he had acted towards her that night, she'd be surprised if he did. So then what was it? Was she worried that the letter would read ill news; that he was unhappy or unwell? Or that he had found someone else, a younger girl perhaps who had made him happier…happier than he had ever been with her?

No, it wasn't that. All she wanted was for him to be happy. No… somewhere deep in her heart she knew that she was still in love with him, and that if she read his letter it would bring back every moment they shared together. It would bring back every aching urge burning within the core of her soul to run back into his arms and beg him to come home. And Josie Mardle knew that if it ever returned, she could never fight that urge again. So she had let the letters pile up, the curiosity painfully itching her to be read, but not as painful as the thought of taking away his chance at a new life.

She sighed and twisted the tap off, glancing towards the letters. She had promised herself that she would read them today, at least to know that he was safe and happy. But she still felt the chilling panic at the thought of giving in to her feelings.

Josie stood up and, placing the wine down on the table, she went to reach for a letter. She stopped, her reflection catching her attention in the bathroom mirror, her eyes widening slightly. She forgot that she had purchased the silk gown. The peach, lace, negligee peignoir robe had been a luxurious gift she had treated herself to at Mr. Selfridge's shop, hoping that it may hope to raise her spirits since he had left. Although rather provocative and surely improper for a lady of her standing and age, she couldn't help but admire how well it seemed to sit on her and outline her curves.

Miss Mardle reached for the pins in her hair, pulling them out. Shaking her head she let her coffee coloured curls fall around her face, softening her frame. Well at least she hadn't let her appearances fall during her past few weeks of grief.

Taking in a steady breath and blowing out a swirl of air through her lips, she returned her attention back to the pile of letters. She reached for a letter, running her thumb across the gold initials that sealed the envelope; F D.

Returning back to the edge of the bathtub she sat down and, with trembling fingers began to open the envelope. She hesitated, the smooth edge of the letter just peeking above its' concealments.

The sound of thudding footsteps on the staircase resounding out the room. Josie froze. Her eyebrows furrowed into a small frown, glancing towards the door. She was sure that she had sent the maids home early, and Agness was out with Victor…

"Josie?"

Her heart thudded, his oozing accent stopping her short. _What the hell was he doing here? _But more importantly, how did he get inside?

The footsteps grew louder, now resonating down the hallway.

She ran her fingers through her curls, the anxiety bubbling inside her. She stood up, pacing to the end of the bathroom. _Would he know that she was in here?_

The last thing she wanted to do was greet him, especially not in this state…Josie glanced down, realizing the silk robe she was in and her indecent state. Certainly not dressed to see her servants, let alone…

Quickly she hurried over to the door, desperate to lock herself in her room and slip into more appropriate attire and perhaps pin her hair back up before she dealt with him.

Just as she almost reached the door she slipped on the towel, losing her balance. Her hand flew towards the table to find the first thing to grab hold of, knocking the glass of wine over before her. She fell forward, breaking her fall with her hands and onto the shattered glass.

She cursed under her breath, letting out a silent cry. She lifted up her hand to assess the damage, wincing at the tiny cuts down her arm and across her palm.

"Josie!"

She lifted her head as Florian swung the door open, his eyes falling on her. His eyes widened as he quickly hurried over.

"What happened?"

He offered her his hand and slowly helped her up.

"Thank you," she said quietly, standing up. "I slipped on the towel".

He took her hand before she could protest, examining the damage. "Do you have a first aid kit?"

She nodded as he released her hand. "Yes…in my bedroom. Just down the hall".

Slipping from his arm Josie led him out of the bathroom, wincing at the stinging pain. She remained silent as she guided him down the hall, and was thankful that he was too. _God what was he doing here? _She was certain now more than ever that she would never get over him.

Perhaps he came back to be with her…No…_NO. _She squashed the thought. She wouldn't let him. She shook her head, trying to collect her thoughts. She had to tell him to leave. Reassure him that she was fine and could tend to the wounds herself, and that he can, no…_must _leave.

She reached her bedroom and walked over to her draws, bending down to reach for her first aid kit.

"Here we are," she said softly, pausing. "I should be able to take care of this myself".

But he had taken the case from her fingers. "Please, sit," he inclined his head towards her bed, making his decisions clear.

Her lips parted to object but the words froze on her tongue when she met his eyes, shadowed with concern. She sat down on the edge of the bed, wrapping her robe tightly around her as he took his place next to her.

"Florian," Josie spoke up. "What are you doing here? I wasn't aware that you were coming to visit".

"I came by to collect some things I forgot," he explained, rummaging through the materials.

"I see," she responded, her fingers twisting the silk material of her robe uncomfortable on her lap.

"I came by the store a few days ago to ask Agnes, since you hadn't been responding to my letters," his eyes met hers briefly, before he went back to the case. "The maid let me in as she was leaving".

Her heart cracked with guilt, mirroring in her eyes. "Oh…I had never meant to-" she stopped, trying to collect her words together. "I was going to-"

"It is okay," he gave her a small, sad smile. "I understood why".

The corner of her lips lifted into a sad smile, unsure of what to say.

"You must know," he continued quietly, meeting her eyes and reflecting her sad smile. "I am still in love with you".

Her heart caught in her throat, her face softening. "You really shouldn't be".

He reached for the tweezers, taking her hand into his lap to assess the damage. "I don't care. That's how I feel and I cannot be changed".

Josie repressed a sigh, lowering her eyes. She couldn't erase the guilt that was consuming her, and wondered how long he would continue to hold these feelings for her.

"This is going to hurt," his eyes softened with sympathy as he gestured to the glass shards in her palm that needed to be removed. "Perhaps talking will take your mind off the pain?"

She nodded, not wanting to look at the sight any longer. "How is Manchester? Are you enjoying your new home?"

She winced as the first shard of glass was pulled out, followed by the cooling sensation of the anti-septic wipe.

"It is good," he commented, smiling fondly. "The family have been very kind and I enjoy playing with the orchestra".

Her lips softened into a smile. "That's lovely then," she took in a sharp breath as another shard was pulled out.

"How about you," he briefly looked up. "How is it working at Mr. Selveges?"

A light chuckle rose in her throat. "Mr. Selfridge's," she corrected him gently. "Yes. We have been quite busy, but it's been good. I believe Mr. Selfridge is organising a ball for his staff too".

"A ball?" he wiped away the cut with the cool material. "You should go".

"Go? No, I hardly think so. Besides, I believe it's being held at Delphine's club in Soho, a place far too vibrant and young for a woman of my age".

Miss Mardle could already imagine the young girls and men thrilling over the idea of going to Delphine's infamous club, and almost laughed at the thought of herself being caught there with the bright lights and outrageous music.

"No you should go," he replied, giving her a thoughtful look. "I think you'll enjoy yourself".

She lowered her eyes, hiding the small smile. "Perhaps," she paused, tossing the idea over her head for the first time. "How about I think about it?"

He nodded, before pulling another shard of glass, this time from her arm . He gave her an apologetic look as she cringed, wiping down her wounds with the ant-septic cloth.

"That's new," he pointed out, inclining his head to her gown, wanting to keep her distracted from the pain.

"What?" She followed his eyes, noticing the robe. "Oh," a small blush crept up her cheeks. "Yes".

"Is it from the shop?"

Josie nodded. "Yes, I bought it earlier last week".

His fingers brushed against the silk material and across the skin of her thigh, sending waves of static up her arm. "I like it…It suits you".

Her blush deepened, the heat rising within her. How did the smallest of her touches have this effect on her? She caught his eye, which was still on the curve of her leg, darkened with a hint of desire. The same desire that was stirring within the pit of her stomach.

She quickly cleared her throat, catching his attention. "Have you had many performances yet?"

Florian lifted his head, meeting her eyes. "No. Not quite yet. We have just been rehearsing mostly, though we do have one coming up next week".

Taking his opportunity at distracting her once more he pulled out another piece of glass. She winced.

"There, that is the final one," he said, gently applying pressure with the cloth onto the small wounds to stop the blood. "Fortunately the cuts are small so they will not need bandages".

A small smile traced her lips. "Thank you," she said softly.

Josie paused, staring at the young man closely. She knew that she should tell him to leave, than him and let him go. But the guilt was returning to her, she couldn't just chase him away like she had done so before. It would be wrong. Deep inside she knew that she owed him an apology.

"Florian," she spoke up, meeting his eyes. "I want you to know that I never meant to hurt you," she paused, her smile faltering slightly. She tilted her head to the side. "You do know that, don't you?"

Florian blinked, startled. "You are saying that you…that you had fallen in love with me?"

"Oh well, no," she began, shaking her head slightly. "Not exactly but…I-I had-" she stopped, trying to gather her thoughts. "I did develop feelings for you," she began again carefully. "But Florian…what we had, you understand why I did what I did, do you?"

"You were worried about what other people would think?"

Josie bit the inside of her mouth. He made her sound so self-conscious and inconsiderate. "A little…yes," she paused. "I was told that it would be dangerous to continue this arrangement, for you and me. I wanted to do what was right for you. To give you a proper start to life, one where you wouldn't endure scandal or humiliation for being with me".

He let the silence build up, letting the words sink in. "Josie, I do not care what other people think about me. All I care about is you".

"Florian-"

"You should not care about what other people say either," he said firmly, staring at her closely. "And I know you don't want to".

She sighed. "I'm afraid it's not that easy".

"But why not?"

Josie tilted her head to the side, not wanting to tell him the truth. The scandal it would bring on her reputation and the shop. The way it would ruin his potential to succeed as a musician and make a life for himself here. How her heart had once been broken because of love, and because she had wasted her years on this man, she could never give him the family he truly deserved. Because she knew that trapped in his infatuation with her, he just wouldn't understand.

"Florian, you have so much potential to do well," she said instead. "To make a career for yourself. And I don't want to get in the way of that".

But he just shook his head. "No, I-"

"You love me now," she interrupted him softly, taking him by surprise. "But one day…one day you will want more. Children. A family. And I cannot give you that".

She felt the tears build up behind, and she shut her eyes, desperately pushing them back. When she opened them she saw his eyes, staring at her with the same fondness he had done the first time he kissed her and all those days after.

"And I have told you already, I do not care".

Carefully he took her hand and unraveled her fingers, bringing them to his lips. He brushed his lips against the first scar, eliciting a gasp from her lips.

"I love you," he whispered into her skin, placing another kiss on her hand.

She took in another sharp breath. "You mustn't say that".

Yet he continued to mummer those very words as he kissed her knuckles, her wrist, the back of her hand…the murmured rolling off his tongue together as if they were a prayer as he peppered a trail of kisses across her wrist and up her arm, his lips brushing gently across each cut and scar, as if wanting to heal every one.

Her eyes fluttered shut, a moan stirring at the base of her throat. She tilted her head back as his lips made their way to her neck, sucking on the hollow of her skin.

His hand slid around the curve of her waist, pulling her towards him, his free hand tracing down the side of her face. Unconsciously she felt herself falling into his embrace, her hands crawling up his chest. Gently he guided her, their lips meeting in a tender kiss.

His kiss burned a flame within her, spreading warmth throughout every inch of her being and sending her world on fire. Her hands twisted through the material of his shirt as she shuffled further back and pulled him down on top of her.

She felt him deepening the kiss, growing hungrier and more passionate with each beat of her galloping heart. He rolled his teeth over her lower lip, eliciting a moan from her throat. His hand traced the outline of her frame, sculpting every curve, the other threading through her loose curls.

It seemed that all thoughts of resistance and staying strong diminished. Although the occasional voice in her head would scream for her to run, they were short lived, fading with each of his kisses, on her neck…her collarbone…the curve of her breast just above her silk gown…

And try as she may Josie Mardle couldn't resist the sensations consuming her, the explosion of heat burning within her to her very core. The absolute desire she had to throw all thoughts of decency out the window and cry for him to take her now and respond to every word of love with ones of her own.

So she entangled her arms around his neck, pulling him in closer, wanting to feel every ounce of love and passion his lips were promising her.

They broke apart for air, Florian staring down at her from above. His eyes darkened with lust and love for the woman before him, his fingers brushing away the strands of hair form her eyes.

"God, you are so…very beautiful".

Josie's heart melted like a dripping candle, her hand tracing the side of his face lovingly. But when she met his eyes, radiating with love, hope and affection, her senses came back like a broken dam, flooding her with guilt, tortureand the cruel, heartless realisation at the consequences of their current actions.

She pushed him away from her, sitting up.

Puzzlement passed his features.

"You must leave now", she averted her eyes from his burning gaze, guilt clawing its' way to her heart.

"I-I do not understand, -"

"I-I am so sorry," she whispered, squeezing back the tears. "Florian, please, _leave," _she stressed, whirling around to face him.

She stood up and walked over to the door, wrapping the gown tighter around her body. She opened the door.

"Please," she whispered, her heart shattering when she met his broken gaze. "This was a mistake…I-I shouldn't have done that but…I-I lost control and…"she shook her head, repressing the tears that were fighting to breakthrough. "I am so very sorry. But I meant what I said earlier. We cannot do this…Please don't make me ask again".

His face fell, the confusion fading as the realisation dawned on him. "A mistake?" He lifted his head up, anger and frustration suddenly consuming him, darkening his eyes. "I see". Standing up he made his way to the door, refusing to meet her gaze. "I'm sorry for the mistake. Don't worry, I will not write to you again".

He slammed the door behind him. Josie stood there, almost frozen as she listened to the sounds of his footsteps fading down the hallway. It wasn't long before she fell back against the door, surrendering to her tears.

They spilled down her cheeks and onto her silk robe as she slid down the back of her door, hugging herself tightly, as if hoping to warm her heart because in that moment, she was sure it had turned to ice. She drew her knees up to her chest and allowed herself to wallow in her misery.

God why had lost control like that? Thrown away every rational and logical thought out the window and succumbed to her heart's desires. Succumbed to him, the one who her heart had ached for every day since he had left, even though she told herself otherwise. Even with this heavy heart, she knew she had done the right thing, had been doing the right thing…until tonight.

But how she had missed him. Every touch, every heavenly word and every kiss seemed to breathe life into her.

And Josie Mardle thought that saying goodbye to him that night was the hardest decision she had ever done and endured. She was wrong. Saying goodbye to him for the second time was the hardest, and a decision she surely believed would break her.

She swallowed back a heaving breath, wiping away her tears to clear her blurred vision. She had done the right thing. She knew it. Perhaps this time the message was clearer, perhaps now he could truly move on from her, perhaps find someone else and be happy…Josie tried to desperately hold onto the thoughts of him having a better life and ignore the excruciating heartbreak and rage that that happy life would be without her.

"Miss Mardle? Are you in here?"

Her head snapped up, the sound of Agnes's calls coming from below.

"Y-yes Agnes," she quickly wiped away a few tears. She couldn't let the girl see her in this state. "I'm just in the bathroom, I'll be down shortly".

Quickly and as quietly as she could, she made her way back down the hallway and locked herself in the bathroom. The bath had turned lukewarm. She gave it a contemplating look. The temptation to submerge herself and drown in its' depths was one she'd save for another day. Josie swatted the cruel, mocking thought away, knowing that she had to stop wallowing in her self-pity; she didn't deserve to feel sorry for herself. Perhaps she'd have that bath tomorrow.

She bent down and pulled out the plug, releasing the water. She was just about to retrieve the towels on the floor when the pile of letters caught her attention, still sitting on the table and as inviting as they were just minutes before. Josie swallowed. Surely she couldn't read them now? But the curiosity had been itching her for the past month, and besides, its' contents didn't matter now.

And the heartbroken woman couldn't help but feel that perhaps she deserved to read his letter, words about another girl, his confession of his love to her, words that would stab her heart, consume her air and tear at her soul. Words that would make her bleed and cry. Words that would bring her pain. For Josie Mardle truly believed that she deserved no more.

So with a trembling hand she reached for his most recent letter, peeling the seal off and unfolding the parchment.

_Josie…_

_I was passing a store this morning, one that very much like Mr. Selverge's, though not quite as lavish. I saw a pair of blue sapphires, sparkling in the store window. They reminded me of your eyes, how they glitter like drops of blue, oval crystals when you laugh. It was the second time I had thought of you that morning._

_I know you have not been replying to my letters, but only hope that you have been reading them. I understand why you wanted me to go, and I want you to know that no matter what you say, my love for you will never change. No matter how much you try to deny your feelings for me._

_I am writing this letter to tell you that although my heart still aches for you, I have been happier than I had hoped to be here. And only pray that you are happy too. Because even if it is without me, happiness by yourself or with another, that is all I want, and all I need to be happy._

_I admit, a day goes by that my thoughts wander to you, nor a night where you are not in my dreams. I remember the way your eyes light up when you smile or how your cheeks remind me of the basket of strawberriesyou would bring homewhen you blush. Or when I dream of your lips against mine as they had been before, as soft and red as velvet rose petals._

_It is true. I cannot stop thinking about you. And can only hope that at some time, in some point in your day, or week, you are thinking about me. But my thoughts will always be on you, and my heart, in your hands._

_Always,_

_Florian_

She stopped reading, only realizing that the ink was smudging from the great splashes of tears running down the parchment.

"_But my thoughts will always be on you, and my heart, always in your hands…Always"._

_He still loved her…He still loved her…He still loved her…_

These words circled her mind like a hungry hawk, eating away at her heart. He still loved her…

And she had crushed his heart like it was nothing but mere sand running through her fingers. Again.

Josie Mardle turned the tap back on, letting the cold-water run down the drain. The letter slipped from her fingers as she sank to her knees, her body almost shaking with her cries.

Nothing was heard besides the sound of gushing water, barely concealing her silent screams and cries, and the sound of her breaking heart.

* * *

_I struggled with chapter titles, but thought this fit really well, cause it captured the core essence of this chapter. And ugh the letter is shit I know, but I suck with writing those things. Anyway please review. I do promise happier moments in the future, but do enjoy writing angst. Constructive criticism is always appreciated. Thanks!_


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